just bend the pieces until they fit

Subject:	stuck
Time:	5:03 pm.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	insufferable ranting of my roomate.

I havent written in my journals for months now. Sooooo many things have happened so many experiences, yet reading my journal all i could think was that i am no different. Like everything i experienced over the summer was a waste because i am still thinking and feeling the same things as before. The obvious difference is that now i am at seton hall, but i havent changed. I took a step back. i am back to the same feelings i had back in high school.Still dwelling on the same issues the same unanswered questions. How could i have gone back so far? All of the growing i had done is gone now. Did i even grow? I think i did. I feel like i am slowly being pushed back, my personality being sucked away from me. I just feel drained all the time. Not from school work or working out, but just from emotional things. I feel like i can never sleep in piece. Like there is this constant nightmare haunting me and i cant ever remember what it is when i wake up. I just dont know what to do anymore. I will be home in a week, im hoping this will go away at least for my vacation time.

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Subject:	QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS
Time:	11:15 am.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	emery.

ok so my life in a nutshell lately. i am trying to keep myself busy, i mean so busy that i dont have time to think at all because if i start to think i am probably just going to make myself miserable. Am i going to graduate? well i know i am, im getting things done slowly but surely but getting up everyday has become the hardest part of my day. I can never be sure though, maybe i will be the first fuck up to not graduate high school. i mean why not right i am batting a thousand lately. Why do i always choose boys who are completely imature and don't know what the hell they want? i bet that by now i have just ignored perfectly good guys because i am me and i just suck at the whole guy thing. i ignore the ones that hit on my directly and go for the ones who do it timidly. i think thats the smart to do it but so far the only thing that happens is i trust my timid boys and then realize they suffer from ADHD when it comes to love. o i love you and can't live without you then the next day they are in love and can't live without someone else. is that the way it is....i mean am i just not getting filled in on this. for me it takes a LOOOOT to even consider i love you, but it seems like its a natural thing for everyone. What do i want to do for college??? ok seton hall university: good school, nice campus, my nursing degree in only 4 years ya ya great....ITS IN NEW JERSEY...for further reference that is across the country from where i live! from my comfort zone, from my friends, from sushi, from the beach, from people who are like me!!! ok so then there's mt. saint marys or azusa pacific. i would be about one to two hours away from home i could come home on the weekends and keep my job. the schools are ok schools but i could get my nursing in 4 years too. am i going to be happy just staying in california, a slight change but nothing drastic still with my friends, still dwelling on past loves. WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT!!! then there is the main thing that makes me not want to think at all..Am i really ok with my past? i always thought that i was fine...that i had dealt with my past and now i was who i am today for it. that is partly true but did i really deal with it or did i just ignore it all this time. why am i so bothered by it now, why am i being this emotional idiot. my dad wants to see me ok i know i should go and i probably will end up going so end of story right. why can't i stop thinking about it..why am i crying...whats wrong with me...why cant i just figure it out and deal with it already...all these questions and no answers..thats exactly how i feel

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Time:	7:35 pm.
Mood:	gloomy.
Music:	people making noise.

So i am basically hopeless when it comes to certain things lately. One i have been avoiding cleaning my room which i usually always clean if i have time. Two i haven't been trying to work, which i should be because i need to. Three all the goals i have set for myself have been being postponed even though i have time to do them!...So i ask myself where is my time going. Well it is spent being mopey in my bed watching way too many pointless MTV shows, not even really watching it fully because i am always thinking. Thinking of nothing other than two things, first is how much i miss new jersey and want to be out there having fun and not being here and in school. Second is a certain somebody who i just can't help but think about. I mean this is just terribly old now and i should be o so completely over this but it just won't work. I have already come up with an ultimatum for myself when it comes to this but it won't happen soon enough. Now these nights of doing nothing was realistically two nights but that is huge for me because i am never just doing nothing and i most definitely never have the time to watch tv on the weekdays. I just want to kick myself in the throat for being a stupid girl!!!!!!!!!1 I am not one of those I DO NOT DWELL ON OTHER PEOPLE AND I DO NOT AT ALL UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW MY STUPID THOUGHTS ABOUT SOMEONE TO MAKE ME LAZY! So why now!!! why me !!! lol lets just pray for some solutions.......

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Subject:	o sh**!!!
Time:	8:39 pm.
Mood:	distressed.
Music:	so sick-----by ne-yo.

ok so all at once its happening again!!! I mean not completely yet but i think it is. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH well i think this time it is safe to say that i will make the right decision. well if it is even an option......i dont know this all sucks because now im confused and its gonna be all hectic all over again!!! AHHHHHH! O well im going to new jersey and im gonna clear my mind and screw all this basically. i mean all this time of feeling one way and then all of a sudden everybody changes their mind!!! SCREW THAT!!!!! i shouldnt even be stressing over this! you know what i dont have to and even though i will slightly because that is who i am im gonna try very hard to not do that.

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Subject:	hdgfbuisvroafnvoadf
Time:	8:01 pm.
Mood:	stupid.
Music:	bobby valentino.

i am a flaming idiot! not just in one way but in many. i just walk into bad situations. its like im just asking to get hurt or something. i was going on such a good path and then i just screwed it up. why can't i just let go of things. AHHH !!! sometimes i need to just listen to myself and not ignore my own gut instincts. its like i know what the right thing to do is but when it comes to testing it out i always give in. i tell myself what im going to do in a situation and how im going to feel and it just never happens. i have been saying a lot lately its like i forgot about my brain and im just using my heart. the only thing is, hearts dont have any logic! your heart doesnt know when its gonna get stomped on or when it should just give up. its blind and it doesnt recognize consequences. your brain gives you a swift kick of reality and some pride where you need it. so i have been going about it all wrong obviously. im kicking myself all the time though.....GET OVER IT! for someone who used to think all this love stuff was stupid i sure as hell fell hard for it like a flaming retard! im gonna use my brain i am gonna be stronger and just get over all of this. i can be alone and i have to let go of old things. during this time where im stepping into "legal" adulthood im going to take a step back. girls and boys are my friends and that is all. my heart is just there to keep me alive and my brain makes my decisions and thats it

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Subject:	MY CAR!!!!!
Time:	10:07 am.
Mood:	content.
Music:	my stomach grumbling.

As the title of this entry says, i have a car! I bought it yesterday and it couldn't be cuter!! It is a 94 Honda Civic. When i first saw it i didn't want it because it is red, which i hate the color red on cars unless it is a sports car, but im going to paint it silver in the future. The thing that really sold me was driving it and feeling like it was just my fit. I could turn and get close to things and not feel like i was going to hit them and regardless of the color i could not deny my connection to my little red car. I go pick it up on Tuesday afternoon and i can't wait! Not only am i happy because i got a car but it was really good that it was before school because it just makes me feel like i have already accomplished something and now i can do so much more. It kind of motivated me which was something i really really needed as far as high school goes. Along with my best pal georgia we have vowed to be positive and get involved in our school the last year. As far as other things go i have been very torn when it comes to a certain friendship. It is very complicated to love someone and then try to be friends after because you dont know exactly what the rules are. Are we talking too often, am i not talking as much because of our past, it is just complicated. Not to mention those awkward subjects that you just cant talk about with an ex and those random flashes of jealousy. I have people telling me that it would be best to just stop talking all together, but that just doesn't seem right to me. That to me just means that all our relationship was worth to me was just that a relationship and not even a friendship. So i guess like always i already know how im going to handle the situation but for now it is on my mind, although i am still very happy and more positive than ever.

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Time:	6:41 pm.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	rain.

confused is the word for me today and it seems like it has been for a while. i dont know what to think anymore. what do i want. what do i feel? i just dont know anymore. i cant understand what im feeling and it is clouding my judgment and making my processes in life harder to go through. im on a two week escape from home and although i have been calm at some points i feel like the pressure is lurking. i just want clarity. if there is on thing i have been praying for more than anything it is clarity. i want to know what i feel and from there i want to figure out what i want to do. there are plans that i have in my head but achieving them in person seems very very far away and at times impossible. these are the times where i wish i was simple minded. i know that the more depth you have the more fully you can experience things but that has a negative side to it. too many times i have seen people go through things that i would thing take a while for them to recover from, but some people just bounce back. as if nothing had happened to hurt them, people just look at a situation as a negative and move on without any further feelings. i know that being ignorant is not seen as a positive but more and more i understand the saying ignorance is bliss. not even in this subject can i find clarity because do i really want to wish for ignorance? that will be yet another thing i am unsure of and until i can figure this out my life will be on hold.

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Subject:	VACATION ALL I EVER WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time:	5:05 pm.
Mood:	anxious.
Music:	greenday.

so im going to new jersey tom.! i am going to miss my friends dearly but i have to say that the vacation was needed. when i worked yesterday i had the strongest urge ever to just walk out and never turn back. of course i didnt do it but the intense feeling was enough to show me just how much i need a break from work. i have had an amazing weekend, a close friend of mine lives in a mansion and her parents have been gone and will be until the 16th. what i love about my friends is that instead of opting to be stupid teenagers and throwing a party that would get her in trouble we decided to have a weekend with only close friends. we decided that we are real world irvine and it felt like it this weekend. i love it and will miss it but the thought of seeing my cousins is taking over:) I think i need the time to put some things in focus and just to keep boomers in irvine out of sight and mind.

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Subject:	pep talk :)
Time:	3:26 am.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	the loud noises of my wonderful friends in the early am.

im in very weird mood right now, well in all honesty i am feeling hurt from certain things. I think that even though you anticipate things you can never prepare for them fully. I am being smarter about it though. I now realize more than ever the amount of people that love me. At this very moment im in a house full of my friends and everyone gathered for the purpose of giving me a going away party because im going on a two week vacation. I thought it was hilarious and i love it. I have to learn not to focus so much on those who dont appreciate me as a person and be grateful and fully enjoy the love i have all around me. I will let go of these negative thoughts and have no ill will against anyone. I will just simply pay attention to those who are able to make me happy. In my times of focusing on my negative thoughts i have pushed people away who have only wanted to treat me as i want to be treated and i will not do it anymore. im kind of giving myself a pep talk i guess but its ok i know that its only helping me and those who care for me wont mind to much and will most likely laugh. So from now on i will not dwell on those that bring me down, but relish in those whop lift me up. With this i will return to my friends who blindly love me no matter what and make my younger days the most memorable of all.
i pray everyone has this opportunity,
hannah

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Time:	8:39 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	Metric--soft rock star.

So as usual i just basically looked at my sisters old journal entries although i do come on to see all of my friends' journals my sisters is the main one i read without failure. one particular one about her crush on benny rodriguez from the sandlot made me miss her a lot. i remember loving that boy too i wish we knew where he was now. its so surprising to me just how fast time really does go by. i know everyone says that but it is completely true. i am so thankful that i was blessed enough to have my sister. i just recently had an upsetting argument that just made me feel sorry for anyone who hasn't become close to their sibling. It should be so easy and natural yet it is so hard for so many. im going to new jersey to visit family and im really excited because i miss them but i really want to see my sister. right now i am making myself face things that i just blinded myself to and im making more conscious decisions. i just feel kind of lonely now but im going to be fine. so i just was in the mood to write my prayers are with all those who need them.

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Time:

8:30 pm.

So as usual i just basically looked at my sisters old journal entries although i do come on to see all of my friends' journals my sisters is the main one i read without failure. one particular one about her crush on benny rodriguez from the sandlot made me miss her a lot. i remember loving that boy too i wish we knew where he was now. its so surprising to me just how fast time really does go by. i know everyone says that but it is completely true. i am so thankful that i was blessed enough to have my sister. i just recently had an upsetting argument that just made me feel sorry for anyone who hasn't become close to their sibling. It should be so easy and natural yet it is so hard for so many. im going to new jersey to visit family anbd im really excited because i miss them but i really want to see my sister. right now i am making myself face things that i just blinded myself to and im making more concious decisions. i just feel kind of lonely now but im going to be fine. so i just was in the mood to write my prayers are with all those who need them.

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Time:	3:31 pm.
Mood:	weird.

I have been feeling really wierd lately. I dont know exactly what it is. I know that most of the feelings come from robbie and my sister. Those main things cause reactions in school and work and my life in general. I am mixed up when it comes to school. I go from saying that i am going to try and get involved to saying that i wouldn't care if i ever came back. Of cousre i dont want to drop out but the social aspect of my school is not even on my mind right now and when it does seem to weasle its way into my life it annoys me. I honestly dont know why my friends haven't called it quits with me. They will come up to me with the latest gossip, or the new trend, or just with excitement about an up coming event and i show no interest in it at all. I dont mean to put there happiness down but i honestly don't care. Sometimes though, i wish i could, i think i would be a lot happier if i just got a little more interested but i dont see it happening. This makes me want to leave because i know i could go live with my sister and be so happy but there is something that stops me which makes me think maybe deep down i do want to enjoy my high school experience. Right now it is a little impossible to focus on it though, because robbie is leaving on sunday and i am going to be sad. I have been trying to tell myself that i have accepted it and i'll be fine but i know i will be upset. I am losing my best friend that i call whenever the smallest thing happens, i am losing someone that i can spend all my time with and still enjoy his presence, basically i am losing my only companion that i can confide no matter what. That is the worst part because now i feel terribly alone and it almost feels as if i am losing sasha again. I know i will keep in touch and visit but it really isn't the same. I'm hoping that once he leaves i can try and fix some goals in my life. Right now i just don't know what to do. There are people who are now showing up who want to talk to me and have made it clear that they want to date me but i just can't right now. I think my biggest fear is that i will give in simply so i don't have to be alone. It owuldn't be fair though because my heart belongs to robbie right now and i dont know when that will change. He will forever be my first love and i dont know when i will be able to overcome it. For now im just trying to get through the end of school and decide where my life is going to go. Im praying for some clear views.
my love to everyone
hannah

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Time:	8:18 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	homework mix.

I guess lately has been good. Some things were not very enjoyable but for the most part it hasn't been bad. I'm trying to enjoy my time for right now with robbie because a very good job offer was given to him, but it is in arizona so....im just not looking forward to it at all. It is one of those things that i know it would be selfish to let him pass up. I know this is going to be terribly depressing, but i love him and i know we will be ok in the end. It is a little more than two months now, well at least i count it that way but i guess its been around seven if you count it from the start. Either way its going to be hard. Looking on the positive side though, i have been doing really well with actually keeping up in school amd making a routine for myself. I'm getting annoyed with my job situation but i am planning on fixing that soon. For now i just want everyone to paray for me and i hope everyone is doing well also.

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Time:	12:41 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	Basketball game on tv and robbie snoring.

So lately i have been good. I'm a little stressed over school, but i have faith that i will do good. i have been spending as much time with friends as possible but it seems like all of them are going through stages that i don't want to be a part of, so i'm quite content with spending most of my time with robbie (my boyfriend if i haven't made that clear). Some would say that is bad but i was talking with my therapist and she said my frustration with friends comes out of the fact that i am basically an old fart when it comes to some things and i am over all of the stages they are now going through. This is why i find comfort hanging out with someone that i not only love, but that is over those stages and even better never really was that into them. I actually feel really proud of myself because i did my homework and i never do on the weekends. I miss my family and especially my sister, but i know everyone has their lives and i am not able to talk to them sometimes because of my own things so im ok with it.

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Time:	3:49 pm.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	Italian Music.

I have been slacking off on everything lately. Biggest ones have been school, staying fit, and budgeting my money. I'm so broke, it stinks. I'm starting to get on track though. Not immediately but at least it's a start. Other than that, i am doing very well. I love my boyfriend and so does everyone else it seems, so i feel great. I've moved up at work, it isn't that big of a deal but i am in charge of redemption and thats big to me. I am trying to get enrolled in a class to learn to speak italian because im going again this summer and understanding it isn't enough.

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Time:	4:31 pm.
Mood:	optimistic.
Music:	Garden State Soundtrack.

I have had an interesting past week. I went to my winterformal and loved it because it was at the Disneyland hotel. I took pictures with Minnie, Mickey, Pluto, and Goofy! I almost died! Even though my date was a fairly good friend, i knew who i wanted to be my date. I hate my school's ridiculous rules. Besides that, Valentines day was spent at work, which bummed me out, but luckily we celebrated it the day before. i received my beautiful valentines present on sunday morning. Soon after we met with our close friends and had breakfast. It wasn't the original elaborate plan, but it was enough for me. On wednesday my friend adrienne and i decided to have our own valentine's surprise for our boys. We took them to Benihanas ( an awesome japanese restaurant where they cook right in front of you!), then we went to my house where we had decorated it. There were candles leading into my room with ribbons hung on the walls, next to the sign saying happy valentines day. In my room we had a bucket full of movie candies, popcorn, and a movie. Ya, we are awesome. My mom came home and ended up finding out that i am dating robbie, but this just made things better because now she knows and she loves him. Today i have the day off from work and im going out with the girls from work who are also off. This should be interesting.

SASHY I LOVE YOU! CALL MEW PLEASE!
Love Hannah

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Time:	9:33 am.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	Slow Songs Mix.

I have been having heart burn a lot lately. This is not supposed to be happening to a seventeen year old. I'm apparently stressing too much and everybody has their theory as to why this is happening. My mother is blaming it on me trying to please my friends by hanging out with them and neglecting my personal time. Of course this is wrong because i feel no obligation to hang out with my friends, i want to. As always my mother won't admit that she wants me to spend time with her and therefore tries to convince me that my friends are harming my health so i should stay home more. This was after she tried to tell me that i'm putting too much on my plate and i should skip church, coincidentally, my mother isn't a church person and has never liked me to be. I love this woman with all of my heart, but i'm growing tired of her hidden agenda when she gives me advice, its not just irritating but its selfish. I was basically told that i have to stay with my mother for her personal health by practically my entire family and i can't help but feel upset. Who is going to look out for my personal health? Well, i guess that will have to be decided later, but thankfully i'll be eighteen soon and regardless of all the guilt trips everyone will try to give me, i will set out to do good for me. I won't take anymore guilt trips from hypocrites that don't even know what they are talking about. I have lived everyday with this woman for close to eleven years, if anybody else can say that they can say something to me, but until then i wont be taking any input. This entire journal came out of nowhere, which makes me think more and more that i should see a therapist. I have been thinking about doing that a lot lately, i don't need their advice, but i do need their undivided attention. Not even attention as much as just someone to talk to that i won't feel like i'm boring. I think i've said enough.

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Time:	4:30 pm.
Mood:	stressed.
Music:	The Postal Service.

Once again i have been slacking on my journal entries but i have no time to do anything. Things have changed drastically for me. I am currently going through finals right now and even though i am stressed i can't help but feel relieved that one semester is over. One of the drastic changes is that i am back in a relationship. Now the only problem is that everyone close to me didn't want this to happen, but slowly but surely i am getting everyone's approval. This time around it isn't something that is on and off. It is a real relationship that we both show proudly and we honor faithfully. There were many mistakes made in the past but there is no sign of them this time around and even though there will be hard times i am able to be confident in saying we will get through them. My only plea to those who love me and who don't like this is to please understand that i am happy. This happiness comes from a lot of things but mostly from this relationship and even if it may seem as not a great idea, it has become a necessity for my happiness. Aside from that, i miss my family dearly and i have been being reminded of them a lot lately. I bought a toy that has all of the old nintendo games on it and it brought back fond memories. I know i'll see them soon.

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